a little inspiration never hurt

This week, on a scale of 1 to 10, I reached an 11 for pain. It was only 2 years ago when the pain was more like a 15 and I'd oftentimes lay on the already tear stained floor with waterfalls of more of the same streaming down my face; the pain was unbearable and nothing I did would take it away. In the last 124 hours, I've been able to make sense of many of the tears and frustrations over the things that made me feel not right for at least half my life. Under all circumstances, how I've felt is still not right; there is nothing right about it. This, THIS is not fair and this cannot be what I've worked so hard for. There has to be more in life and I will find my way back. I'll tell you, I don't really feel better knowing the answers. I mean, do I actually have the answers? I thought I knew before what the answers were. I thought I was doing what I needed to do to resolve things so I would never go back to that pain of 2 years ago. But there I was -- still functioning out there in the world -- driving down to Sunnyvale each day, attending meetings, doing the best work I know I'm capable of doing. But the answers have evolved and morphed into more than I could've ever dreamed up on my own. Do you ever think that this is too good to be true and that one day some other shoe will drop and everything will be gone again? The other shoe dropped. How many shoes will there be? If my closet is any sign of how many shoes there could be, I could very well be in trouble. But what I've learned makes perfectly logical sense. This MUST be it...the final shoe. I am hopeful that once I figure out what I'm supposed to do, that I will get better. I will be the best me that I know I have been. The person I am inside will be the person all of you will see again; You will know when I've come back because what was only a shadow of me these last few years of regression will be vibrant and full of life and color. I will shine a bright light upon you. I will shimmer and glow just because I can. Right now it takes everything I have to just want to get out of bed.

Today, I rode myself down to my favorite coffee shop. But not until after I spent an hour talking on the phone to my friend, Dean. To meet Dean is to know the most positive role model and supportive friend a person could have in their life. He lives in Colorado. It might as well be an entire country between us but Dean always makes it seem like he's just sitting right in front of me shooting the breeze with an old friend. So when he emails me and says, "Sue, I think it's time for a chat. Do you have some time this weekend?" I say, "Of course I have time for you." I know that I'll be on the phone for at least a good hour... and if you know me...lately I don't talk on the phone unless I absolutely have to and usually it's no more than 10 minutes -- tops. As the phone call goes, I make him laugh; he reminds me why living is grand. It's like this unspoken deal we have. It works out well for us, I think. We've been doing this for years now... By the time we hung up the phone, it was clear that I was going to make use of the sun while it was still with us -- the rain is coming again. I'd at least get on my bike for a short ride for coffee. That's saying alot due to the pain I endured most of the week. I had to at least do this because Dean had already been awake since 5am (he wasn't allowed to call me before 10 'less he wanted to talk to a serious non-morning person in a bad mood) done an hour of "Insanity" (do you know what this is? It's some crazy workout thingy...it's ALL THE RAGE)...and NOW he was going to get on his mountain bike on some mountain outside of Boulder.

So I rode the "long way" to my favorite coffee shop in Temescal -- stopping at the bakery that sold all things that I could actually eat -- without question. I wondered if my Dad would join me; instead, my conversation with Dean just lingered while I rode alone. Alone -- to bakery and coffee. I got my drink and then sat down out in the sun-filled sky to listen to the chatter of the people sharing their morning with friends over coffee and pastry. I wondered if I would actually take my bike up into the hills above but thought better. I really didn't think I could make it all the way up there and all the way back down. Sometimes it goes down this way. Oftentimes, it's just mental. Other times it's really physical. Sometimes it's both. I try to wade through it all and acknowledge the truth of the moment. Today it was a little of both.

I had an unusually free day. I was just going to sit there for a few minutes and savor my coffee -- licking the last bits of caramel flavored milk off the spoon before relinquishing my cup and riding away. It wasn't long after I clicked my cleats back into the pedals that a strange voice called at me from behind. It was a strange voice because well, I didn't actually know this person. It was indeed a stranger. But he quite friend-ily rode up next to me and said "hi, where you riding to today?"... for the next 15 or so minutes we chatted about this and that. It was a decently nice few minutes of chatter with someone who has no context to the world I've created for myself. The bubble I've enclosed myself inside for the last year of my life. He had a nice bike, I'd have to say...and well, he complemented me on mine...but for reals? I just have this purple entry level road bike. It is a 10 cute on a scale of 10 cuteness factors, for sure. He complemented me on it anyways. Maybe we'll go on some bike rides together -- we exchanged emails after...

I'm happy when I'm riding my bike. It's really the only time I feel good right now. So even a short ride is better than no ride as far as I'm concerned. And this day? It is a good day. There are so many reasons why. But sometimes, a little inspiration from old and new friends for why living is grand is just what I need.