there are no words.
Sometimes...okay, more times than not, my outpouring, my inspiration for cooking in general, is a person. I used to draw, I used to bookbind, I used to make a lot of things with my hands -- including cook, for the people who touch my heart. But in the last several years, because of the lack of dedicated space for my art supplies to call home -- and so many other excuses, I've transitioned all my inspirations and outpourings of love to be composed in my kitchen. Every little kitchen appliance, every bowl, every spoon and spatula, the cupboard filled with every flour and spice I could possibly need -- okay, well not EVERY flour and spice but a plethora of ones that I bought on a whim or because I knew I needed it... there's a home for all these things and they are all easily accessible to me with space to actually create in ways I couldn't always in the places I used to live in. Today, I baked off a few wafers...chocolate wafers for Martina. I was to see her this morning. It was a meeting that I was dreading and looking forward to at the same time. I've known her for one year... maybe almost two, I think. But I always had a good feeling about her -- like she was somebody who was going to change my life...how I think about things and how I evolved in how I thought about living each and every day. I was right about her. I just didn't realize that I'd lose her so soon. She leaves for Germany in a few days and maybe I'll not see her again unless I'm able to travel again to Europe. I'm hopeful...I like to think she is, too.
The first thing I did, as I always do when I've baked her a treat, is I open my hands, palm side up, flat like a tray with her cookies placed ever so simply, right in the center. Straight out go my arms until she lifts the treats up out of my hands and to her nose the bag of treats goes -- a huge breath in through her nose then out through her mouth and a long sigh plus a smile in delight. "What do we have here today?". Well usually she says that...but today she took those treats from me and she said, "Oh, I know what those are. These ones are my favorites."
Upon leaving her, I reminded her that she was actually leaving ME but in leaving me, I wanted her to know what she meant to me but that sometimes I just don't have the words to describe exactly what it is I'm feeling... "so I bake... I cook and I bake because I don't know what else to do." Of course, tears were streaming down my face. I'd like to say a tear welled up in HER eyes...but I kinda think no. She has always represented this really strong person to me...someone who has guided me down this road I've been on with certainty and hope like no one else I've ever known. I think that no tears came maybe because then that would ruin my image of her and she knew I needed it.
There aren't words sometimes...even as I write and pour my heart out here...it's soothing for me, yes...but it's still about food. It is true for me -- that food is love. It really is...and today is no exception...these chocolate wafers were made for her. I was right when I decided on the chocolate wafers...simple and pure...bittersweet and buttery...with just the right amount of crunch with a little bend in the middle. For Martina...