the fall from anticipation
This morning, I finally found myself at my destination. This was after looking for a parking space for 30 minutes at a location that was more than 1/4 mile from the BART station. I practically ran thinking I'd be so late for my appointment. I ran up the BART escalator and fortunately found a train waiting there. Full as it was, I squeezed in and found a space cleared for what seemed like it was just for me. I leaned back and the train promptly left. I looked down, my phone was dying but the clock said I still had 40 minutes to get to the Embarcadero stop. I should be able to make it in 25 maybe? Anyways, I decided to just get my breathing under control and not worry. It was just that the anticipation -- the hopefulness I often feel when I think I've found the "answer". It's like I'm just leaving on an adventure to utopia. Time and again, this is not where I've ended up. But there's a part of me that still walks away thinking I was possibly closer to the "answer" than if I had never ventured in that direction. So off I went toward utopia -- once again, utopia.
Embarcadero Station and the doors open. Of course, the escalator nearest my door was not working...and that stairwell at Embarcadero...why is it so steep? I start climbing the stairs but I realize I'm going against traffic and practically get knocked down. I was prepared. I kept going thinking all the while, maybe this person can help me. Maybe she'll have answers. Ah. The top! I looked down at my watch... I have twenty minutes still. I really thought I was going to be late. I'm not far. I just have to walk over to Embarcadero 2.
It felt like forever that I waited in the reception area. I had everything I needed to bring, all in order. I knew what I was going to say. I really thought maybe there'd be answers for me. And maybe, this person wouldn't look at me like I was crazy. Tick tock...she was on time! No sooner did I go into her office, then I came back out -- 20 minutes, tops? There were no answers. There was some notetaking...and alot of hesitancy on my part to give it, but I did.
I walked out with nothing except I needed to make another appointment. Hopefully the answers will be found in THAT appointment -- at least, SHE thought it'd be the beginning of the answers. I walked out, my eyes welled up. This wouldn't be the first time. I was disappointed. I used an entire morning for what felt like nothing. And to think I thought I'd never get to the City. I wandered downstairs back into the fray...tears streaming my face now. Good thing nobody really cares what you're doing in the City or why you're even there. So I walk and wonder. Did I really come to the City just for that? For nothing?
Next thing I knew, I was at Ferry Plaza on a Farmer's Market day. I decided on coffee. At least if I am going to be in the City, I should stay long enough to set things right -- start it over. So to Blue Bottle I walked. I ordered a perfect cappuccino and sipped and spooned the silky caramel flavored milk onto my tongue. Delicious as it was, it was serving a greater purpose than just "food as art" today. It was an elixir, a palate cleanser for a morning gone sour. My anticipation burst. If anything she did clearly say, "you are not crazy and no, this is not right. But I don't understand these, I want you to see..."
So standing at the counter, I sipped my cappuccino and off into the blue skies I went to start my day... the beginning is just across the Bay -- almost there.